As most of you may know, I have been struggling at work due to my introvert tendencies. I was hesitant to reveal it to one of my supervisors because I did not think he will understand. I think in terms of energy, and I use abstract terms like “sour milk.” But after an embarrassing gaffe at work, I talked to my immediate supervisor about it, and she decided that it would be a good idea to meet with the secondary supervisor to get it all out. Initially, I was scared. I felt like I was going to a tribunal. I thought it was going to be a lot of yelling, foreign energies gets thrown around, and I get to feel lower than a snake full of grape shot.
I did not want to be there. I told me a few minutes to warm up. She was sitting next to me, and that helped me to feel comfortable. I wished I had my giant panda bear from my childhood to hold. That would have been so embarrasing. So, after a few minutes, I was able to talk about how I do not like surprises, and I need time to process a new task. I need to be able to take all variables into account, and be prepared for them. If I cannot do this in a timely manner, then frustration sets in. Time is needed to recover after dealing with a client because being with them can be draining. (Yes, I need to learn how to shield myself.) If I do not talk, it means I am listening and observing. I am generally a quiet person. I listen to music to help me cope with a stressful situation because the right song can displace any negativity and I can pull needed energy from the music. I didn’t get technical because I knew it would be over his head. Both supervisors took notes, which was a good thing. Thankfully, it was not shared with everyone in the office. That would be so embarrassing.
In the end, I felt much better. It was not the tribunal that I expected. But there was one scary moment that frightened me to my core. I can’t share that here because it is a huge trigger. But the both of them understand, and they will work with me. I still want to leave because the environment is generally uncomfortable. Workmen outside doing asbestos abatement and making lots of noise had me on edge last week, along with the allergies from my office mate, aka “Sir Sneeze-A-Lot.”
Maybe I should have told him about how his footsteps is a major trigger for me. When I hear him walking down the hall to my office, internal klaxxons start going off, and at the same time, I have to fight to hold it together. Generally, any approaching footsteps activates my early warning systems. I fight the urge to run and hide. Its a tiny office, which is a former dormitory for female nurses, so there is no hiding. I am such a complicated person. But this is me. I blame Nelson Kowlessar for making me this way. Even as his rotting carcas lays six feet underground, I know his spirit is in Tartarus. That gives me some comfort.
The featured photo is my friend Jolene on a photo shoot. Let me know if you like it. Thanks for reading my post. Sat Nam.