The Introvert Struggle

While I has having a much needed nap before clocking in on a Friday morning, I see “8:55” appear in front of me. My thinking was oh my gods, I’m late for work! But when I woke up and looked at my phone, it was 7:40 am. I punch in at 8 am. I do not follow numerology, so I researched what I saw. It implies that a major change is coming. I remember last year I had a dream about a B-2 Lancer flying upside down and crashing into a field. That also meant that a change was coming, and that change was leaving the old job and getting hired at the current one. It might imply that I will get the job that I put in for a week ago. Unfortunately, that did not happen.

There are lots of changes going on at the job, and most of them I do not like. One of the supervisors was hired by another company, and her last day was this past Friday. I popped in to say farewell and give her a scented candle. This is the same supervisor that I was so afraid of when I was hired. Another person will be leaving the organization also. Two weeks ago, I had to attend a training that had me on edge, I do not like the feeling of being trapped, that that is how I felt. I wanted to get out of there so bad. Now there is another training due, and I refuse to attend, even if it is mandatory suicide training. I am so sick of all these trainings.

A friend reminded me this morning that I am never alone. That is true, because I know the spirits are always with me. If I listen, I can hear them. Sometimes my aunt talks to me too. Sometimes it is comforting to know that the spirts watch over me and want the best for me. But sometimes I feel that I frustrate them because I always seem to be in a low energy state. I think they are just patient. They saved me from suicide for a reason.

Weekends are usually depressing for me. I get out of bed, go watch tv in the sitting room with a bowl of cereal. I had a rough night because of a mattress that leaves my back very sore. I didn’t want to do yoga, but I did it just to get my body parts stretched out.. I went outside and washed my car. Most of the time, me actually setting foot outside is a victory. My moon side would rather stay home, whilst the sun side wants to enjoy nature. This is my battle every weekend. After I washed the car, I spent the rest of the day at mom’s place. Same thing this morning. I went to the fitness centre, and that by itself is a victory because I wanted to stay home. It bothers me that even on a warm sunny day, I would rather stay home with the blinds closed. I feel like Anna Fox from the book “The Woman in The Window” at times.

These days, the library is my place of solace. Once I am here, it can be hard to leave because I am so comfortable, and because I do not have internet in my flat. I should be happy. The spirits say big changes are coming. But I have too much on my mind, one of them is getting my car fixed to pass inspection. I also feel that I let the days pass me by because its a struggle to go outside. Thankfully, I am not like this all the time. Due to my car problems, I am reluctant to go to the marina, and I want to save my gas for going to work.

Time grows short, and I must leave. I remain in a low energy state. Even now, I can hear the spirits talking to me. And no, I am not crazy. You can stop reading now if that is what you think. These are my angels that want the best for me. They give me advice, and they want me to feel better. Thanks for reading my post. Sat Nam.