Halloween certainly lived up to its name when I walked into the office. Not even 9am, and I received an assignment that frightened me to my core. I was in full panic mode. I could not think, and I could barely speak. I noticed my office mate giving me the side eye, so I had to play it cool initially, but I needed to go sit in my car for a few minutes. I was listening to meditating music, but it was starting to annoy me, and I could not find anything else that I liked at that moment. The spirits came to my aid. I was too weak to talk to them because I felt drained of energy. They summoned my guide to help. I was too afraid to go back upstairs, but I did to gather my belongings. I called my supervisor and took the next two days off. I felt well enough to drive after the brief respite. I went to mom’s house to help take the edge off for a few hours, then I went home. I remember she had said that she was thinking of me, and here I am at her door, seeking her company.
At the same time, I felt very angry. This job forces me to face situations that are usually connected to my past, and I am tired of it. It has made me very resentful, and it has not gone unnoticed at the job. Being an Aries means it is not easy for me to hide my anger. I am not ready for the responsibility that this assignment entails. I have been in a bad place since last month. Now I’m ready to quit. In my mind, I already quit, but I am only keeping up appearances for the time being.
On Friday, it was hiring day at the local UPS facility. I applied for a seasonal position as a driver helper on the website. I have done the job before many moons ago when I was working at Joyva in Brooklyn, NY. I traveled through Brooklyn and Manhattan delivering candy to candy stores, and buckets of sesame tahini to the Kosher pizzerias with the driver named Walter in a International S1800 22 footer. I attended the orientation, and I liked what they had to say, until they mentioned that it pays $12/hour. I could have walked out right there, but I stayed to hear the rest of the pitch. Most of the employees started out in the same position, and have gone on to have long careers with the company. They like to promote from within before considering outside candidates. Which implies that, if they like my performance during the holiday season, I could become a permanent employee. Even so, it is still a huge gamble, but also a great opportunity. The job itself ends in January. I am weighing my options. Should I take the risk and hire on, or stay in a job that is toxic to my mental health? Easy decision, right? I am still on the fence. But I asked a friend who reads Tarot cards for help.
In the meantime, I dread the return to work tomorrow. As soon as I walk in the office, that assignment will be staring me in the face. No sense in complaining to the supervisor because she will say this is what the job entails. But this is not what I signed on for! Walking through a den of sleeping lions would be far easier. My therapist will no doubt tell me that I will grow stronger if I face my fears. HA! More like I will grow stronger once I am away from the situation. My only recourse is to keep up this charade as best I can without being called to the supervisor’s office regarding a dereliction of duty accusation.
Right now, the background check has to happen before being hired by UPS. I feel confident I will pass because the same thing was needed in order to be hired for this job. Last time I checked, I didn’t commit any crimes, or land in jail. If UPS hired me today, I would have to give the job two weeks notice. But that would be bearable knowing that my pain would be coming to an end. That day could not come any sooner for me.
Isis, please take the wheel, and guide me through this trial.
Sat Nam.
The Introvert Soap Box 