That Empty Feeling

My Yule was very quiet, as I usually like for it to be. But I felt so incredibly empty all day. I think it had to do with a mistake I made at work. In hindsight, I overreacted, but I didn’t want to get yelled at by the supervisor again. My fears went into overdrive. This instance illustrates one of the downsides of being an introvert. I wanted to be alone, wanted to stay home all day and watch Homeland. But, at the same time, I felt lonely, and I didn’t want to spend the holiday alone. I went to see mom and exchanged gifts, but I didn’t feel any better.

I was given as assignment to take a client to get an injection at the local mental health centre. I thought it was for this past Christmas Eve. I picked him up at his house and dropped him off. He comes back to the van and said that it was for another day. I thought his case manager made a mistake. I had it locked in my mind that it was for Tuesday. I look at the assignment sheet again after I arrived back at the office, and it was for the following Thurday. So I read it wrong. I usually just glance at them, get fixated on the first date I see, and believe that it is the day that transportation is needed. It never works out that way. I need to read the whole thing. One would think I would learn from my mistakes, but I guess I missed that memo. I believes it comes from me wanting to separate myself from this environment by going through the motions without paying attention to what I art doing.

What made it worse is that I was given another assignment to be completed for that day. I thought there would be a conflict. I got upset, and told management about it, and they got someone else to do it. I was patting myself on the back for finally doing the right thing. I avoided getting bawled out. Yay for me! So imagine my shock when I learned the truth. That put me in a funk for the rest of the afternoon. My boss told me that the office was closing at 1pm, but that did not make me any happier. Felt like crap for the rest of the afternoon.

My coworker and resident hugger Andrea is away on vacation, like most of the staff. I used up all my vacation days needing a break from the nonsense that goes on on a daily basis, so I get to the mind the store with the rest of the skeleton crew. I always go to her office for my “hug therapy.” I art very attracted to her energy. She keeps me going when I feel like falling off the face of the earth. She gives me energy when I need it, with a few kind words and blessings. I art eagerly awaiting her return after the new year. Sometimes I feel embarrassed when I go to her office for hugs. I dost not want everyone else to think there is something more going on. The company rules on sexual harassment art very strict. Being accused of harassment means termination. My heart belong to Sheila. That in itself is a topic for another day.

I art feeling better now, but I hast other worries. I know it steals my happiness and it consumes my daily thoughts. But it persists at times, and now it one of those times. It would be easy to stay home and hide under the covers, but my Aries side keeps me going when my Cancer side wants to stay home and cry. I feel embarrassed when I art a beacon of light for someone else in crisis, and I hast trouble keeping my own light on. Me, who is so full of energy that I hast sanguine and energy vampires as friends. I think I art like candy to them. Such irony.

I asked a friend to read the Tarot cards for me. I wanted to know if I art doomed to remain trapped at the slave labour camp called work until the time comes for me to leave this vessel. The self reliance card called to her. She said the answers I seek art within. I just need to hear them. I need to believe in myself enough to find what I want and seek it out. Sophia tells me the same thing. Its one thing to hear what she is saying. Perhaps it is time to listen.

I art Egyptian royalty.

I art strong enough.

I can do the impossible. And I hast done the impossible!

I art good enough.

It is time to stop crying and start fighting.

Okay, Sophia. I know you have my back. Lets do this. Sat Nam.

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