I always thought I was shy. I did not care for company, nor did I care for being around people. I remember if I opened the door to my apartment, and the neighbour opened his door at the same time, I would be frightened and close my door until they left. I always wondered why I did that. Or if I got invited to a party, or some other social gathering, I would find a quiet corner somewhere and entertain myself until it was time to leave.
I remember when a group of friends and I were taking the subway somewhere to do some kind of mischief. I was really uncomfortable with that, so I managed to slip away from them and took the train back home. I felt embarrassed leaving them like that. But I didn’t want to get in any kind of trouble. Crime in the subway was bad enough during the 1980’s.
I remember my parents arranged a party for me on my 14th birthday. Despite inviting almost everyone in my fifth grade class, only two classmates showed up. I was so disappointed, and felt embarrassed. At least there was music playing, Mom had bought a decent size cake, a few crunchy snacks, and soda. I shalst never forget seeing Kurt and his brother standing there, swaying to the music, whilst playing with their yo-yo’s. Hey everyone, come over to my place and bring your yo-yo’s! We’re going to party like it is 1999! Oh please. No wonder I dost not like parties. Sometimes I wonder if I should have joined them with my Duncan Jewel and the Butterfly. I would hast looked like a dork! I didn’t know how to do any of the yo-yo tricks like “Walk the Dog.” In hindsight, if everybody in my class had shown up, I would really have been uncomfortable.
What is it like to be an introvert? The most obvious one for me is craving alone time, and feeling lonely at the same time. That is what happened to me last night. I came home after work, made dinner, and I was sitting in front of the TV watching Homeland. I loved the quiet time, but I wished someone would text me or call me. Sophia reminded me that she is always with me, but I explained to her that I wanted a physical presence. Sometimes, a spiritual presence is not enough. Its a good thing that she is very understanding. But a knock on my door would send me into a panic. The last time that happened, I was frozen in fear, and waves of panic rushed over me. Sophia helped to keep me calm. I’m thinking about putting a doormat outside that says “Unwelcome.”
The environment at work is clearly for extroverts. Everyone is so outgoing and talkative, whilst I art the complete opposite, and it tends to annoy the secondary supervisor at times. I loathe having to interact with clients because of sour milk. Whenever I get a verbal, or written assignment, they ignore the fact that I need time to process it and take all variables into consideration. Not allowing me the time can leave me feeling resentful and frustrated.
“Sour milk” is my term for latent energies which require processing. Everyone hast an energy signature. A low energy output implies sickness, depression, or exhaustion. A fluctuating output implies the person is not being truthful, whilst a high output leaves me feeling unsettled until the energy can be processed. That happened with my direct supervisor, who was a new hire at the time. She had so much energy that I was afraid to go near her. I did not know what to expect. In time, I was able to process the excess energy and I learned that she is genuine. My other supervisor is a different story. I dost not like his energy at all. I do my best to stay away from him, but that is not always possible. Fortunately, changes art coming, which I shalst discuss in the next blog.
Be the person you were meant to be. Because the person I see is most beautiful to me.