A few minutes ago, there was a knock on my door. Instantly, all internal alarms go off. I remain silent and cover my ears, hoping the intruder will go away. Maybe I should put a GO AWAY sign on my front door. I don’t like visitors. So that scare had me on edge for a few minutes. I wanted to go next door and hang out with Maureen’s cats. But I don’t want to be that neighbour that always comes over at a bad time.
I received news this morning that left me feeling numb. I just wanted to cry. And for all the tough guys that say crying is a sign of weakness, you’re entitled to your opinion. Too bad I don’t have to listen to it. Nobody knows of my story, or my journey. So anyway, its work related as usual. I am not happy. I will never be happy until I leave the job. All week I have been angry, frustrated, numb, and tired; mentally and physically. I don’t know how much longer can I go on like this. I’m not me anymore. I’m this stranger that no one knows anymore. The last time I felt this way was back in 1988, a few days before my suicide attempt. But this time, I’m not going to sit on the tracks and wait for the light to go dark.
I still feel numb and empty. I’m not sure if I am human anymore. I have not felt this miserable for a long time. I remember when work used to be fun. Now its a gateway to purgatory. I have had barely any time to write. All I do is work, shower, eat, and sleep. Maybe talk to my sister or mom. That’s my whole life now. I suppose I should be thankful that I’m not eating pizza from the garbage, or not sleeping in a homeless shelter. The only way the real me will return is when I leave this job. And to think that I was just as unhappy when I was at PPC.
One would think that I might get peace and quiet from the hell at work at home. Well, you would be wrong. There are times when I believe I live next to a bowling alley with all the constant thumps when I am home. I would love to grab one of them by the throat and throw him out the window. All that time at the gym doing pull ups wouldn’t go to waste.
Ok, so enough with the pity party. Lets get back to fundamentals. Here are two articles I have been meaning to share with the class for at least two weeks.
I had saved this one a few weeks ago, but never had a chance to post it. Just have had no time to write. I’m beat up and bedraggled as it is, but I wanted to get this out.
So that’s all for now. Thanks for reading my post. Have a good night and a good weekend.