One week ago today, I was at the lowest point of my life. I felt like I didn’t want to live any more, but I wasn’t thinking about suicide.
So, in the words of former NYC mayor Ed Koch, how am I doing?
A lot better than I was at this time last week. I haven’t been a mope around the house. I’m still doing yoga and exercising. I picked up my cards and cried because I miss holding them so much. I sorted through a lot of feelings and did lots of thinking, like the need to meditate. Certain phobias have made themselves known. My heart is healing, thanks to one person who refuses to be run off, and has been by my side for years. Some of my passion has returned. The spirits are still with me. I can’t run them off, BUT, others have left, and I know who they’re connected to, so I understand their departure.
Whilst perusing Instagram, I happened on the above post, and it was a moment of clarity for me. I already knew this, but when your mind in in a bad place, such things do not readily rise to the surface. So that made me realise who my people are, and those who are full of “sour milk,” which is my terminology for someone’s energy that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. That got me straightened out. My people do recharge me. I feel good when I talk to them. They have their bad days, but I help them get through it.
In a previous blog, I talked about how I can create a new happy ending thanks to advice from someone I know. I have that chance now, but tiny steps must be taken. I can see that I will reach the end of the tunnel and have the ability to be myself again. So yes, hope has returned. Or perhaps it was always there.
Moments of clarity come and go, and I realised that a breakdown would have happened at some point in the future. But it is better that it happened now, rather than next year; if my plans had came to fruition. I realised that I would have beebn trapped in an environment with no way out. The writing is on the wall. Don’t do it. It is not where I’m supposed to be. Remain where I am currently. A new happy ending is in the works. I would have regressed into the person I was when Nelson Kowlessar was my tormentor, and probably would have killed myself.
The discontent between my sun and moon sides is slowly being resolved. My sun side wants revenge and is the warmonger I talked about, whilst my moon side is the voice of reason, and prefers not to do anything rash. They are close to resolving their differences, and in a matter of weeks, or months, they will break bread with each other. When that happens, I will feel like myself again. I still have not been on Facebook; making this the longest time I have been away from the social media site. I don’t know if I want to go back yet.
Thanks for spending this sappy anniversary with me. I’m not sad about it, though. It just means that I learned a lot of life lessons. I’ll see how it goes during this new week. Have to keep moving forward after being pushed backward.
Thanks for reading my post. Have a wonderful day.
Fight the Power.