I had an appointment this morning with my ophthalmogist. He was concerned about my cataracts and the need for surgery. As it turns out, my eyes have become worse since the last time I saw him, so he strongly suggests that I have them removed. I scheduled the surgery for June, but that brings its own set of problems.
I have been working nonstop ever since I came back from Wyoming. At the end of next month, it will be a year since I had a day off. But I won’t make it because I have appointments for May for pre surgical testing, and in June, I go under the knife. My biggest problem is how am I going to manage getting off work? The place is ALWAYS shorthanded, even though a new driver came on recently. How am I going to work through all these appointments I must keep? Taking time off seems impossible. I’m so overdue for time off. But I don’t want to take time off. Yeah I know, that sounds so stupid. Working every day means I’m in a set routine, and any change in that routine causes me anxiety. I don’t want some chowder head driving my bus and leaving it a mess, or possibly rearrange the sheet metal. But what can I do? I need this surgery.
After that surgery, then I’m facing the necessity of dental implants, and having a wisdom tooth pulled. But first, I may need a bone graft. That could put me on the shelf for weeks. I hate dentists. Tools of torture, antiseptic smell, unbearable pain, YUCK! I get the shivers from just talking about it. When I went to have dental x-rays, I had to restrain myself from running out the door. Now my back is against the wall. Either have this done, or bad things will happen later in life. I’m such a wreck just thinking about it.
I had to ask my neighbour Erica to bring me home from cataract surgery in case mom can’t do it. I will not be able to drive. And, despite the obvious safety risk, I would do it. But I know the office will not let me. Maureen was at work, but I’m sure she would help too, if she can. I’m considering asking my friend Lauren to take me to an appointment. She’s a nurse so she may be more understanding.
I had read somewhere that extreme independence is a trauma sign. I believe that. If it were up to me, I would do the surgeries and drive home by myself. I don’t want to ask anyone for help. It makes me cry that I have to ask for help. Its painful.
I was feeling like such a wreck and having bundle of nerves earlier. Now I feel numb. Welcome to my world. I’m too ashamed to tell my sisters about what’s going on even though they worry about me. Why ashamed? Because when they have their challenges, I’m always by their side. I pride myself for that. What do I say to them? I don’t want them to worry. Its a task for another day.
So what now? I have to find a way to stand tall and find my way through this maze of appointments and juggling time off and possibly a few weeks off. I’m the only one that can dry my tears. I’ll squeeze my eyes dry, then go face the music. I’m strong enough.
Thanks for reading my post. Comments are always welcome. Have a great night.